Guilt

One of the things I liked most about pregnancy was that it was nine months cf ompletely without guilt (unusual for a people pleasing Catholic girl like me!).  If I wanted dessert, I ordered it and no one judged me.  If I wanted a nap, I took one - and people encouraged me to do so.  If I didn't have the energy to cook supper for my husband, he completely understood.  In every aspect of life, I put my needs first and was rewarded for doing so.

Life as a new mom is the exact opposite.  I feel like the nine months of guilt has come crashing down all at once.  Everyone seems to be experts on motherhood except me (although sometimes I wonder if these experts have forgotten the struggles they experienced in the first few weeks) and they are full of advice on how to make it work.  While the advice helps, it makes me feel guilty if I don't follow it.  People say not to hold a baby too much because she won't learn to sleep on her own. So when Emerson is keeping us up at night fussing in her sleeper, and I pick her up, I do so with guilt.  Rarely do I sit and hold her without feeling like I shouldn't be.  Then again, if I leave her crying, I feel guilty for deserting her and for keeping Jesse awake.  After all, some books say that you can't spoil newborns - they just want to know that you are there for them.  Now Emerson has developed colic and that's brought on different feelings of guilt.  At first I wondered if it was something I ate.  Or is it because I can't get her to burp?  Or is she not latching on correctly?  And because of her colic, the only way she can sleep comfortably is on our chests or in her swing.  Guilt again.

My best friend, Emily, said something the other day that illuminated why I feel so much guilt and why I shouldn't be.  She looked at me and said, "You don't have to be perfect.  You just have to be her mama."  She knows me too well.  I want to be perfect.  I want the baby who is on a routine, who sleeps on her own in her sleeper, through the night.  She is perfectly healthy, gaining weight regularly, and smiling through the day.  I let those expectations get the best of me instead of just relaxing, doing the best I can, and remembering - all Emerson needs right now is to know that her Mama is here....

It's difficult being a new mom.  And honestly, I feel guilty even saying that.