When Emerson was first born, I wrote a post about the difficulties of nursing. I described the pains and tears while admitting, still, it was worth it.
Well, here I am, 13 mths later, and Emerson and I still nurse twice a day. I have decided it is time for us to quit, and my reaction to that decision made me realize how much my impression of nursing has changed in the past year.
As I listened to my sister giving me advice on how to help Emerson quit nursing, I found myself getting teary-eyed. She told me I may not be able to join Jesse in putting Emerson to sleep for a few days until she adjusts and that broke my heart. Our nighttime routine (which everyone tells you to establish, and trust me, that is no joke!) consists of: we change her diaper and clothes downstairs, I carry her up and nurse her, then Jesse and I both read to her, then she hugs us both, Jesse leaves, and I rock her for awhile. I used to rock her to sleep, but now we just talk and play until I put her in her crib, tell her I love her, hand her Dolly, and walk out. It is no doubt the best part of my day. There can't be a better way to wind down and destress than laughing as your daughter "beeps" your nose or plays with your eyebrows or practices saying "nigh nigh" and "mama." I understand why I must miss this routine if I want to wean her, but it breaks my heart, even if it's just for a few days.
I guess I've derailed from my original subject of nursing, but really, it all connects. Nursing is part of that sweet nightly routine. And I will honestly miss it.
Once Emerson and I "figured it out," nursing quickly became a bonding time for us. When we recently took Emerson on vacation, and she woke up in the middle of the night confused and scared, I nursed her to comfort her. Every time she has gotten shots, I've nursed her immediately afterwards to help soothe the pain. While nursing, I've taught her how to give a high-five, I've cut her fingernails, I've played with her hair, and bonded with her in a way that no other person possibly could.
Nursing is a sacrifice. In the past 13 mths, I have been on "lockdown," never being able to leave my house around the hour of 7 pm or be away from home first thing in the morning. I've had to turn down my husband's awards ceremony, where he received copious amount of journalism awards, a night out with my best friend, and several nights out with friends. I've missed out on professional opportunities and had to take Emerson with me anytime I had to spend the night out of town.
But I wouldn't trade any of it. And I say that with no hesitation. Most of those things can be repeated - the bonding with Emerson never can.
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